From Ally to Accomplice: Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Teen
By Dr. Lee Wells, therapist and co-owner of Mind Chicago and co-author of A Kids Book About Pronouns
In the ever-evolving landscape of parenting, especially during the wonderful and tricky years of adolescence, we know how crucial it is to be an ally to our LGBTQ+ children. And that’s a beautiful place to start—supporting our kids, affirming their identities, standing beside them with love.
But there’s a deeper, more active role emerging in social spaces, one that invites us to go beyond support and into action. This shift is about moving from allyship to accompliceship. It’s about stepping into solidarity, even when it’s uncomfortable or risky.
As described by researchers Dr. Annelise Singh and Tochukwu Awachie of Tulane University, an ally is someone who supports marginalized communities from outside that experience. But an accomplice actively commits to standing with those communities, recognizing the risks and responsibilities that come with true solidarity. To paraphrase:
Being an ally means supporting others from the sidelines. Becoming an accomplice means standing beside them, even when it’s hard—choosing liberation over comfort.
This distinction matters deeply, especially for parents. If you’re raising a queer or trans child, especially in today’s climate, you’re not just a caregiver. You are being invited into a lifelong relationship of advocacy, accountability, and love-in-action.
So what does that look like in real life? Here are 3 ways you can step into the role of accomplice for your LGBTQ+ middle schooler or teen:
1. Join Them in What They Love
Being an accomplice doesn’t always mean big, bold acts of advocacy—it also means showing up in the small, everyday moments that matter to your child. One of the most meaningful ways to say “I see you, I value you” is to step into their world with genuine interest.
Are they devouring a new fantasy series with a nonbinary main character? Ask if you can read it too—or better yet, start a mini book club with them. Are they rewatching their favorite queer cult film? Grab a snack, curl up on the couch, and enjoy it together.
These shared experiences create connection and belonging. They say, “Your joy is important to me. Your stories matter. I want to know the world through your eyes.”
Accomplices celebrate queer joy, not just survive queer struggle. By joining in on what lights your child up, you’re reinforcing that their identity isn’t just accepted—it’s cherished.
2. Stand with Them, Not Just for Them
Accomplices don’t just protect their kids—they partner with them. Instead of assuming what’s best, invite collaboration. Ask them what feels safe, what feels affirming, what feels scary.
Maybe your child wants you to advocate with them at school. Maybe they want to attend a Pride event together. Maybe they just want to know they can cry in your arms after a hard day.
Let them lead, and follow with an open heart. Your presence—your full, imperfect, brave presence—matters more than any perfectly scripted moment.
3. Use Your Power—Loudly and Lovingly
As adults, we have access to systems and privileges that our children often don’t. Accomplices use that access to push for safer schools, affirming healthcare, and inclusive policies. That might look like:
Writing to your child’s school about affirming name and pronoun policies
Supporting access to queer and trans books in schools
Voting for candidates who uphold LGBTQ+ rights
Donating to or volunteering with queer and trans youth organizations
For those of us with relative safety, security, or social privilege, these actions may involve a bit of risk—discomfort, conflict, or even moments of loss. But when we’re in a position to take those risks, doing so becomes an act of solidarity. It’s about choosing to leverage that power in service of your child’s safety, dignity, and freedom.
YoU DID IT! You’re Their Accomplice ❤️
Parenting an LGBTQ+ child calls us into something deeper than acceptance—it invites us into action, reflection, and a commitment that lasts beyond any single moment or season. It’s about becoming not just a safe place for your child, but a force for their safety, joy, and liberation.
This path asks different things from each of us. For those with more power or privilege—whether it’s social, financial, or otherwise—there’s often more room to take bold steps. For others, safety may look like quiet, steady presence. Both matter. What’s most important is that we keep showing up in the ways we can—consistently, lovingly, and with intention.
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present. To stay curious. To stretch when you’re able. To stand beside them when it counts.
That’s what accomplices do.
And the beautiful thing? You’re not in this alone.
Let’s keep learning, growing, and walking this road together—with compassion, humility, and love leading the way.
Check out the resources below to help you be a stronger and more active accomplice!
🏳️⚧️ PFLAG
