Communication Strategies That Work
Article written by PCIT and PMT Coordinator and Therapist, Courtney Chamerski, LCSW
In the world of parenting, communication is everything. Yet, when things get elevated—your child slams a door, talks back, or melts down at the grocery store—calm, effective communication can feel almost laughable.
Parent Management Training (PMT) is an evidence-based approach that helps parents foster more helpful behaviors in kids and reduce challenging ones, all the while building a strong connection between parent and child. At the heart of PMT is communication. Not just what you say, but how you say it—and sometimes, what you choose not to say—can shape how your child responds, how conflict is managed, and how relationships grow.
Three essential communication tools in PMT—validation, editing, and silence—can help parents feel more confident and connected in everyday interactions. Let’s break them down.
Tool #1: Validation
Validation is the simple but powerful act of acknowledging your child’s feelings, even if their behavior is less than helpful. It sends the message: I see you. I hear you. Your feelings are real.
Why it works:
Validation is a key component in de-escalation of big emotions
When emotions are more regulated, there is more space change strategies
It strengthens the connection between parent and child.
Let’s look at an example:
Your child slams their backpack down and says, “I hate my friends!”
Instead of saying: “That’s ridiculous, you love hanging out with your friends.”
You validate by saying: “Sounds like something really frustrated you today.”
Your child sighs dramatically, rolls their eyes, and says, “Daisy told everyone at lunch that I like Gabe, and now no one is talking to me.”
Keep in mind that validation is not the same as agreement or approval. You’re not agreeing that throwing a backpack is okay—you’re acknowledging the emotion attached to it. When kids feel seen and heard, they’re more open to problem solving and less likely to escalate.
Tips for Validation
Try Active Listening: Give your child as much of your attention as possible in that moment. Use nonverbal cues, such as nodding and maintaining eye contact, to show that you’re listening.
Use Empathic Responses: Use phrases like, “That sounds really tough,” or “I understand why you’d feel that way,” to convey empathy and understanding.
Avoid Judgment: Refrain from making judgments about the child’s feelings or responses. It’s easy to fall into common phrasing like, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You’re fine.” But these and other judgments lead to increased agitation, frustration, and explosiveness in kids. So pause and bite your tongue when it comes to judgments.
Tool #2: editing
Once a child feels validated, it’s important to follow up with clear and direct communication. We call this editing. Editing in PMT is about delivering messages that are clear, limited, and specific. These elements help ensure that instructions are understood
Importance of Clear Communication
We can all agree that clear communication reduces misunderstandings and frustration. Yet, most of us use more subjective language that could be open to interpretation or be misunderstood by kids. Let’s consider something we say every day, like “Get ready for bed.” That sounds awful clear to me, but for a child with ADHD or other challenges, this could mean a whole lot of things. Instead, try something more specific like, “Please brush your teeth and put on your pjs.” Now your child knows exactly what you expect.
Limiting Information
Children—especially those feeling overwhelmed—process information best when it’s delivered in small amounts. Rather than listing five things to improve, focus on one or two key areas. For example:
Instead of: “Do your homework, put away your clothes, and empty the dishwasher.”
Try: “Please do your homework.”
Once that task is complete, follow up with the next task. Too busy to give tasks one at a time? Write them out as an easy-to-read list! This keeps feedback digestible and increases the likelihood of follow-through.
Specificity in Messaging
Broad feedback like “Be more responsible” can leave children, especially neurodivergent kids, confused. Instead, paint a clear picture of what responsible behavior looks like:
“Please pack your backpack the night before so you’re ready for school in the morning.”
The more specific you are, the easier it is for children to know what to do—and for you to recognize progress!
Tools #3: silence
Silence may not feel like a communication skill—but in parenting, it can be one of the most effective tools you have. In PMT, we encourage parents to use intentional silence to create space, allowing kids to process their emotions, think, and even come to their own conclusions.
After you've validated emotions and provided clear, limited, and specific instructions, the next step is to pause or follow with silence. Silence is a surprisingly powerful and bonding tool in parent-child communication.
Benefits of Silence
Encourages Reflection: Giving space after a comment or instruction allows the child time to absorb and consider what was said.
Promotes Engagement: Waiting patiently for a response shows that you value their input and are open to hearing their perspective.
Prevents Over-Talking: Silence helps avoid the tendency to repeat or over-explain, which can lead to your kids tuning out.
Tips for Using Silence
Pause After Speaking: After giving an instruction, count to five silently.
Be Patient: Resist the urge to fill the silence. It’s okay for the pause to feel a little uncomfortable, even if they don’t initially do what is being asked.
No one communicates perfectly all the time. Parenting is challenging. But when you practice using validation, editing, and silence, you’re setting the stage for more respectful, responsive, and effective conversation.
Interested in learning more about PMT or other behavioral strategies? Reach out to a trained PMT clinician at Mind Chicago. We offer individual and groups!
